


please stay a while

by SmittyJaws



Series: modern times (rock and roll) [1]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: (eventually) - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, F/M, Feels, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, ace!Deaky, ace!OFC, whoops Brian doesn't show up in this fic at all my bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 11:50:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20096785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmittyJaws/pseuds/SmittyJaws
Summary: John’s unlucky when it comes to love.  Maybe he just needs a friend.





	please stay a while

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Welcome to ace!Deaky modern AU - something that started as a spin-off from my regular 70s fics for random funny fic ideas, but ended up spawning its own actual universe and serious stories!
> 
> If you follow me on Tumblr, you'll know that I decided to make my modern ace!Reader character an OFC, seeing as my modern AU actually picked up a lot of a storyline and more depth than I anticipated. All the more serious fics will have her named in them as an OFC, but all the other/comedy one-shot fics will still be written from the nameless Reader/‘You’ POV.
> 
> Also, a huge thanks to [mothmansupreme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mothmansupreme/pseuds/mothmansupreme), who graciously let me keep messaging her and asking for feedback on this; you da real MVP :D

John’s unlucky when it comes to love.

He knows deep down that there’s no such thing as luck and this is just his mind trying to rationalize away his unsuccessful attempts at dating, but it sounds poetic and if there’s one thing Freddie enjoys, it’s waxing poetic about peoples’ love lives, so the expression has stuck. Sometimes he wishes he hadn’t told Freddie about his being ace and how he thinks it’s affecting his lack of success, but part of him just wants someone to talk to about this, someone who’ll understand what it’s like to be… unconventional.

In some ways, Freddie seems to have it harder; his flamboyant stage personality is extremely at odds with some of his offstage/home behaviour, where while he might brush off the hurtful comments thrown at him on stage with a brash gesture and a clever remark, offstage he’ll be quiet and upset about the harsh behaviours, and unhappy how some people can’t get their heads out of their arses and join the rest of the world in the 21st century. By contrast, John has no real different persona change between stage-John and real-John; he wears what he wears, and while it might be a bit more extravagant than his normal clothes, it still pales in comparison and he looks positively unimpressive next to Freddie, so he sneaks on by.

In other ways altogether, Freddie seems to have it easier. There’s plenty of literature and resources for LGBT+ people, plenty of affirmation online and in-person from people, and slogans everywhere for the ‘core groups’, as it were: _“it’s okay to be gay,” “everyone loves a lesbian”, “not only am I amazing I’m bisexual too!”_, and _“trans is beautiful”_. However, trying to find anywhere near as much for asexuality is either hard to locate, or people are mocked for being seen as ‘essentially straight and wanting to feel special’. Not that John begrudges the other identities for their representations or that he wants a lot of affirmations from support groups; far from it, but it’d be nice to know that somebody besides his family and the band doesn’t see him as deficient.

He’s been struggling with this for a while; he had the initial crisis of sexuality when he first came to the realization that he was ace, but after he told his mother and sister and they’d responded with more love and warmth than John hoped for, he’d managed to settle into a decent amount of self-acceptance and confidence in himself and his identity… until he tried dating. All seemed well at first; he’d been seeing a lovely girl named Karen who was studying Communications, and for a while, John had thought things were solid. Sure, he’d had to make excuses on more than one occasion about why he never wanted to sleep with her, but Karen never seemed too disappointed about it and he’d thought they could make this work.

But as time went on, she grew more and more frustrated at his excuses, and John had eventually gone to visit her one afternoon at her flat as a surprise, only to find that she was… busy, with someone else. To make things worse, she hadn’t even been apologetic at being walked in on in a state of being half undressed - just told him that she was sick and tired of waiting for him and his “hangup” and that he could sort himself out on his own time.

He’d been a wreck for a while, feeling utterly betrayed by someone that he’d thought cared about him, and since then, John’s been trying to move past it, throwing himself into his studies and playing in the band. The incident itself was months ago, and while he’s tried dating in the meantime, nothing has gone his way since Karen, so clearly, he must have something going on that’s causing him to be unlucky.

——

“I’m going to die alone,” John moans, dropping his head onto his arms at the table. He’s not too drunk, but drunk enough to not necessarily have a filter.

For his part, Freddie seems relatively unfazed, moving John’s beer and cellphone away so the younger man can’t knock either of them off the table. “Now why would you ever say such a thing, Deaky? I’ve seen ladies making plenty of eyes at you when we play. Even if you don’t want to sleep with them, they can’t refuse an offer from a gentleman, can they?”

“They can, and they do,” John declares morosely, looking up and propping his chin on his wrist. “It’s all ‘you seem nice, but I don’t think of you like that’, ‘can you get me introduced to the drummer’, or if it happens to go further than that: ‘I just don’t think this is going to work out; we want different things’. I haven’t had a serious relationship since Karen, and I’m starting to think I won’t have another one if this keeps up.” He drops his head back down and mumbles something into his arms.

“What was that, darling? I can’t hear you.” Freddie leans in closer, nudging the younger man’s shoulder.

John sighs and raises his head again, this time actually sitting up a bit more and propping his elbows on the table to hold his head in his hands, long hair forming a curtain around his face. “I said, I know it’s because I’m ace. They don’t ever say so; they try to be more polite, but I know they’re at least somewhat disappointed that I can’t give them the kind of good time that they’re looking for. So they leave. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who’s ‘different’. The moment there’s an inkling of things not working out for them, they turn tail and leave. Maybe Karen was right; maybe I just need to get over myself and make more of an effort to try.”

“She said what?” Freddie sounds incredulous. “You told us that she cheated on you, but not this.”

John looks over at Freddie, expression weary. “Well, first she accused me of being gay and using her as a cover. Then when I told her I wasn’t, she said I mustn’t be trying hard enough then. That love means sacrifice sometimes and if I really loved her, I’d be willing to put in more of an effort to get past this mental block. But I did; I really did. I wanted her to be happy. I tried so many times, and it never changed. Never made a difference; I kept having to back out of things and leave her high and dry. In the end, she said she wanted someone who loved her enough to do that for her.” John won’t make eye contact with Freddie anymore, and it hurts Freddie to see the younger man so torn up even after all this time. 

Freddie scoots closer and puts a comforting arm around John’s shoulders. “That’s a load of bollocks. You’re fine the way you are, and Karen clearly couldn’t appreciate that.”

“It’s not just her, though,” John shakes his head before continuing. “It’s everyone that I’ve tried dating since. The moment it comes up that I’m not interested in that way, they act as though I’m diseased or something. One girl recently suggested that I see a doctor and get it fixed, even.” His shoulders slump again before he takes another big swig of his beer, coughing slightly as he drinks too quickly.

“Maybe you just need to date another ace person?” Freddie suggests, patting John’s back as the younger man continues coughing a bit. “That’d solve that problem right away.”

“It doesn’t automatically just work like that, Fred.” John gives him a Look. “That’d be like me trying to pair you off with any man who’s interested in other men and expecting you to hit it off. _‘Look, this one’s gay! This one’s pan! This one’s bi! You have SO MUCH in common, just from your shared sexual interest!’_ It’s idiotic when they do that on television programs, and it’s just as bad in real life. No thanks.”

Freddie rolls his eyes at the younger man’s uncharacteristically melodramatic mood. “Well, if you change your mind, I know a friend of Rog’s who I think you’d really hit it off with.”

“I’m good.” John shakes his head. “Every time you try to set me up it never goes well.”

“Oh, come on now!” Freddie protests. “They haven’t all been bad, have they? What about Tricia? Lily? Sandra?” With every shake of John’s head, Freddie’s eyebrows raise. “…Felicity?”

“Felicity was Rog’s setup,” John corrects him, “and she was far more interested in Bri. She spent most of our date trying to ask me about whether I could slip him her number.”

Freddie cringes visibly. “Well, this one’s different. I promise you that.”

“Sure,” John chuckles mirthlessly as he finishes his beer. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

——

Not a week later, Freddie’s dragged John out of his textbooks to go to one of the usual pubs they like to spend time at, and John would almost think this is a normal night… if Freddie didn’t keep checking the time on his phone every few minutes. “Is there something wrong, Fred?” John asks exasperatedly after he’s had to repeat his question three times to the older man. “You’re incredibly absent-minded tonight.”

“No, no - nothing’s wrong,” Freddie answers distractedly, even as he starts scanning the general area of the doorway. “No need to be concerned, darling.”

“Well then, what is it?” John’s confused now. “You’re barely paying attention to the conversation.”

“It’s nothing, really-” Just then Freddie obviously sees whatever it is he’s searching for because he practically drags the younger man out of his seat. “We just need more beer, that’s all. Off to the bar we go.”

“But we already have drinks?” John’s even more confused, but follows along with the insistent tug on his arm as Freddie pulls him along behind him to run into- “Rog! Didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Hello Fred, John. Fancy seeing you both here.” Roger grins, but it’s the kind of grin that says he’s up to something. He gestures to the woman by his side, who looks just as confused as John does. “This is a friend of mine from uni; the one I’ve been telling you about, Freddie.” He tops it off with an exaggerated wink in the singer’s direction, and Freddie rolls his eyes before turning back to her with a smile and an outstretched hand. 

“Lovely to meet you, dear. Our boy Roger has told me plenty of stories about you.”

She takes the hand and shakes it politely, still looking unsure about all this. “Likewise. It’s nice to meet you both.” She nods her head in John’s direction as well, and John’s at least comforted by the fact that she apparently has no idea about their friends’ odd behaviour either (although he’s starting to get a very suspicious feeling in his gut).

Everyone stands there awkwardly for a moment, before Freddie speaks again, a bit too brightly: “I think I need to use the gents’. Don’t have too much fun without me, you three!” He wags a mock-disapproving finger their way before disappearing into the crowd, not waiting for a response.

The pieces are falling together for John, and this is only compounded by Roger barely wasting any time before following that exit up with his own: “Uh. Yeah. I just remembered… I’ve got a. Thing.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket, eyes widening in too-exaggerated-to-be-real horror. “Brian needs me! I need to go!” He gives his companion an unsubtle push in John’s direction as he backs up into the crowd, quickly disappearing from sight. 

She stumbles briefly as Roger unceremoniously shoves her, and by the time she regains her footing, the blond has disappeared into the crowd and left the two of them alone, staring at each other awkwardly before she speaks up. “Um. Well, that just happened. Let me guess, you’re the ‘Deaky’ Rog has been going on about, and trying to set me up with?”

“I am.” John nods, feeling his face go red at the implication that apparently Rog has been in on Freddie’s set up as well, or had his own set up going on. “And you’re the friend of Rog’s that Freddie won’t stop insisting I meet? Stell, I think he said?”

“Well, Stell’s a nickname from my roommate, but I would assume so. My actual name’s Jay.” She visibly relaxes a bit and grins wryly. “Did they give you the whole _‘she’s ace, so I think you’ll get along’_ speech too? Please say it wasn’t just me.”

Just like that, John can feel some of the nervousness and tension lowering a bit as well, and he laughs. “They did, yeah. I told Freddie it was stupid, but he insisted. At least he didn’t literally push me into this, though,” he jokes.

“Okay, good. As long as we’re both agreed that the two of them and their attempts at romantic set-ups are terrible, I think we’ll get along just fine.” She smiles, then peers over John’s shoulder to see Roger and Freddie now sitting at a corner table, trying (and failing) to be inconspicuous and watch the interaction. “We’re being spied on. You want to go someplace else and leave them to their own devices?”

John whips his head around to look behind him, to see Roger and Freddie studiously pretending to read the pub menus at their table, but the effect is ruined as Roger has his upside down. He puts his hand in front of his face to disguise the fact that he’s snorting in derision before he turns back. “Yes, let’s. D’you like football at all? I know another place that might be showing the match on the telly and their beer’s still relatively cheap.”

“I’m not the biggest fan, but I can appreciate it,” Jay replies. “Besides, having a beer and throwing those two off their game sounds like a fun time.” She grins, and John thinks this might actually be a good night. They leave the pub and John makes a face at Roger’s expression of dismay as he walks past their table on the way out the door, the drummer clearly disappointed that he can’t watch the proceedings anymore.

It turns out they actually have a lot in common, and as the night goes on, John finds himself relaxing more than he has in a while. Not that he gets anxious around women (unless he has feelings for them), but the past few months have made him more reticent and unwilling to let himself get hurt again. He supposes it’s because there are no expectations of this night; it’s not a date, after all. They’re just two people whose friends tried unsuccessfully to set them up, and with that initial awkwardness out of the way, they find themselves enjoying conversation about music (they both agree that the Who is superior to the Stones), movies and TV (Star Wars over Star Trek, hands down), and about their respective fields of study at university (she shows him photos on her phone of castles she visited recently for one of her History classes, and John shows her a video of him playing his bass through his homemade amp). Jay explains that her nickname is because her roommate is an avid bird enthusiast, and seeing as she wears a lot of blue, her roommate has nicknamed her Steller’s Jay, or Stell for short.

John’s pleased to see that she cheers for the Queens Park Rangers as well during the match, and once it’s finished, they both decide the next course of action is obviously to plot revenge on Freddie and Rog for their attempts to force a relationship.

“We could stage a fight over something petty in a public place?” She suggests, furrowing her eyebrows thoughtfully and scratching her head. “See if they own up to things and apologize?”

“That wouldn’t work.” John shakes his head. “Everyone knows this was a setup. There’s nothing for them to own up to.” He rests his elbows on the slightly tacky surface of the table with a grimace and tents his hands in front of his face. “I could rewire their wifi router to kick them off the internet periodically? I know that’d disrupt Freddie - he likes to stream episodes of Queer Eye.”

Jay’s eyes light up in interest before her expression drops. “You could… but Brian lives there too. And from what Rog has told me, he’d be furious if you disrupted his research for any of his courses. Unless you can ban specific IP addresses for the devices instead?”

“I’m good, but not that good.” John grins ruefully. “I’m an electrical engineer, not an IT specialist. Best I can do is a remote shut off and restart manually if I feel like pissing Rog off or rewiring the router to turn on and off at specific intervals on its own. But both of those options would affect everyone using the router, including Bri.”

“Hmmm.” She’s thinking again, and the corner of her mouth lifts in a devious smirk. “I think I have an idea. No tech required; all that needs to happen is for them to be out of the flat and for us to have access.”

John leans in closer across the table. “I’m listening.”

(Several days and several bruised shins later, the two of them own up to adjusting all the flat’s furniture by 5cm to the left, and while there’s initially a fair amount of hollering from Roger and more pouting than is reasonable for a man who’s ostensibly the oldest from Freddie, they eventually apologize for their actions in trying to force a relationship. That said, Roger insists that they still are allowed to take credit for initiating the friendship because at least something came out of the encounter, to which he’s met with two identical eye rolls and a long-suffering _“fiiiiiiine”_. Roger grins gleefully, even as he hobbles out of the sitting room to go make himself tea.)

——

Over the next few months, Freddie and Roger continue to try and foist them into contrived romantic-type situations to push them together, but to no avail - the two of them simply have a good laugh when they’ve been left alone and carry on as normal, or take advantage of the things that are clearly intended for them to use for dates (Freddie outright screeches in horror when he comes back to the flat to see them watching - and mocking - the awful old 1960s Batman movie and drinking the white wine he’d left for a romantic dinner out of beer glasses, of all things). They spend time together studying, John invites Jay to watch the band play, she attends movie nights at Freddie, Brian, and Roger’s shared flat; they go out and do fun things as a group. They never even make contact with each other unless it’s for a hug (which she gives everyone, mainly at Freddie’s insistence that he wants hugs from all of his friends, Roger’s insistence that he’s known her longer and can’t let Freddie one-up him, Brian’s polite friendliness, and John’s desire to not be the odd one out seeing as everyone else has had a hug at this point) and despite the amount of griping remarks Roger makes about “you two need to just fucking make a move already”, John’s fine with keeping things platonic, friendly, and safe. Until he’s not.

He’s out at the store one afternoon, picking up some groceries for himself and his flatmate when he runs into Karen, of all people. John attempts to avoid her, but that’s not preventable as she’s already seen him and said hello, and he doesn’t want to seem rude (curse his good manners sometimes). He makes surface conversation with her, trying to extricate himself from the situation as soon as possible when someone who he assumes is Karen’s current boyfriend comes up to join her, and the two of them engage in what John’s sure can’t be considered a publicly decent kiss right in front of him. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she adds literal insult to injury by tossing out some cruel remark about how this was what John could have had if he’d just gotten his head out of his own problems and thought about someone else for once, before turning on her heel to finish up her shopping. 

And just like that, Karen’s swanned off again, leaving John’s mood ruined in the middle of the cereal aisle. He wills himself to pull himself together and finishes his shopping, as he’ll catch hell from his flatmate if he comes home empty-handed, but he no longer has any appetite. His only plans for the rest of the day are to hole up in his room and avoid everyone while he tries to pick his self-worth back up off the ground where Karen has once again stomped all over it.

He gets home and puts the shopping away, then heads straight to his bedroom as he dismisses the few text notifications on his phone, pausing as he sees one particular contact name bookended by a set of spade symbols (the way he knows his number is saved in her phone too) pop up with an excited text about a great mark she’s received on a paper she submitted for a difficult course. While he’s not in the mood to talk to anyone, he knows Jay will know that he’s leaving her on read (and they’ve both agreed that that’s an incredibly rude thing to do), so he sends a _K_ to acknowledge his seeing it, but closes his phone after and flops down on his bed, hugging his pillow and wishing he wasn’t still so affected by Karen’s cruel remarks.

Not two minutes later, his phone is buzzing and the Star Wars cantina band song is playing, indicating that he has a call. He doesn’t want to answer it, but a part of him is secretly glad she’s managed to pick up on his mood, so he swipes at the screen to answer the call and puts the phone on speaker so he can leave it lying on the bed beside him.

Sure enough, the moment the call picks up, he can hear Jay’s voice: “Spill it. What’s wrong? And don’t even try to tell me something isn’t, because you never send K unless you’re busy, or unless you’re upset. And I know for a fact you’d told me earlier that you weren’t busy today.” Her voice softens a bit. “So what’s the matter, Deaks?”

John draws in a shaky breath, hugging his pillow tighter before he answers. “…I ran into Karen.”

“Karen? _THE_ Karen? Heartbreaking bitch Karen?” Despite everything, John can’t help a small smile at the sound of the disembodied voice coming from his phone, clearly upset on his behalf. “Tell me her address, and I’ll go challenge her to a duel for your honour.”

John laughs weakly at that. “That’s a nice thought, but it wouldn’t do much good. Thanks, though.”

“Well, it was worth a try. What are friends for, if not to duel your enemies on your behalf?”

“I appreciate that.” John finds tears pricking at the corners of his eyes unexpectedly - it’s the first time someone besides his family or the band has so readily leapt to his defence. Most often he’s told to not take this to heart, that Karen only has as much power over his mood as he lets her have, that he should just let this roll off his back because it’s not that bad in the grand scheme of things. And on one level, he knows they’re right, but on another, it’s nice to be told that his pain is valid; that he’s not weak to be upset by this. He sniffles slightly due to his watery eyes, and he hears her tone of voice shift another degree towards full concern.

“I’m coming over, okay? You shouldn’t be on your own if you’re down like this. Now, is it a Lés Mis and ice cream night, or pizza and A-Team night?” Jay’s tone of voice brooks no refusal, and while John doesn’t really want to socialize, he knows that she won’t force him to talk or do anything he’s not comfortable with. If it means they literally sit in silence all night? She’ll do it, and he appreciates that about her - she won’t let him wallow, but she’ll never push at his boundaries more than is truly enough.

He makes his choice, sitting up a bit and swiping at his eyes, trying to make them stop watering. “Uh. I think it’s an ice cream and Lés Mis night. I need a long movie to focus on, not short episodes.”

“Done. I’ll bring my copy of the DVD, and the finest ice cream Tesco can buy. See you in a bit!” Jay sounds cheerful making the joke before she ends the call, but John knows she’s just trying to cheer him up, rather than make light of his situation. He drags himself out of his bedroom and tidies up the sitting room half-heartedly while he waits, knowing that she won’t waste her time.

——

Sure enough, 20 minutes later there’s a knock on the door, and John opens it up to see Jay laden with a large shopping bag and her backpack, which is struggling to stay zipped. Closer examination reveals that she’s stuffed a throw blanket into it, and when John points out that he has his own, she just shrugs and says his aren’t as soft and fuzzy. She grabs spoons for the ice cream and serves up two heaping bowls while John gets the DVD player running to get past the unskippable ads, and by the time they both finish up and get their respective parts taken care of, they’re ready to sit down and watch the movie and all John has to do is hit play.

They eat their ice cream in silence, and John’s enjoying the company. Karen’s words still hurt, but it’s easier to ignore them when he’s not on his own. When they finish, Jay spreads her fuzzy blanket over their laps, and they both settle into the sofa to continue watching. Normally, they lie on opposite ends; enough space for both of them to be able to lie on their sides and watch, and they’ve agreed in the past that they don’t mind the tangle of feet in the middle. This time, however, John finds himself wishing they weren’t on separate sides; what he really wants right now is a hug.

Then he starts thinking beyond that; how much he really appreciates the friendship the two of them have. The closeness and ability to communicate without saying much (and sometimes without saying anything at all); the understanding they have of each other’s sometimes checkered backgrounds - Jay with her family, and him with Karen and his other attempts at dating; the fact that she knows him well enough to be able to read his mood from a single-lettered text message, of all things. It makes an offhand thought pop into his head; how might things have been if they’d met each other before his failed relationship with Karen? Or if Freddie and Roger weren’t trying so hard to push them into a relationship he knows neither of them wants? Or does he want? Thinking about it now, John’s not so sure anymore.

He knows with all certainty that their friends’ logic for trying to pair them off was flawed, but in the end, would it be so bad? With them both being ace, there would at least be more understanding about boundaries and comfort levels, and things could be a lot more open than any of his previous relationships. But she doesn’t want that; at least not as far as John knows.

On the one hand, it hurts, thinking of how good a relationship together might be and that John’s certain Jay doesn’t want it, but he reminds himself that they’re at least still good friends, and that’s better than he’s had with some of his past dates. If this is the best he gets, he can accept that.

He does still want that hug, though, and wishes Jay were closer to him.

As if somehow sensing his thoughts, Jay asks him to pause the movie, and John looks over to see her sit up, back cracking slightly. “Sorry,” she apologizes. “Back was acting up from lying in one position for too long. Needed a shift in position.” John’s about to apologize and offer to trade spots but she brushes it off and tells him it’s fine. They resume the movie, and they’re both sitting up this time, as he feels odd lying down if she’s not.

It doesn’t happen right away, but a little while later, John can feel Jay shifting on the sofa and an increase in warmth at his side. A careful glance to the side reveals that she’s moved a bit closer towards him, and is leaning more into his side. He makes no mention of it, but a few minutes later when he deems it safe in the middle of a dramatic swell of music, he subtly shifts himself over a bit as well, leaning in and relaxing more into the feeling of having someone to lean on. It might not be an actual hug, but this is just as good and John takes comfort in the close contact.

He doesn’t know when it happens, or if it’s just one of those things that happens so slowly that a change isn’t noticeable until much later, but at some point, they’ve moved even closer and abandoned all pretext of sitting up properly, both of them literally slumped into each other’s sides underneath the blanket as the movie draws toward its conclusion. John’s not sure if it’s him murmuring along with the song lyrics of the finale or her, or both, but he definitely feels tears well up again as they hear the Bishop declare _“to love another person is to see the face of God”_. He tries valiantly to hold himself together, but soon after, the chorus sings that _“even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise”_ and the battle with his emotions is lost.

He tries to hide it, but his breath hitches a little, and in response, Jay turns her body slightly towards him and slides her arm across his torso to give him a gentle squeeze. And there it is, the hug he’s needed all day since the encounter at the store and he feels more tears sliding down his face unbidden as the finale concludes and the credits roll. “It’s alright,” she whispers. “It’ll get better. I promise you.”

John says nothing but just wraps his arms around her in a desperate hug, needing that contact, if only to reassure himself that he’s not alone and his friend isn’t going anywhere. 

He’s not sure how long they end up sitting like that, just holding each other close, but he never wants it to end. This is the most safe and supported he’s felt in a long time since the breakup with Karen (and while he knows his bandmates support him, being held in a warm hug like this is vastly different than Brian’s careful ones, Roger’s too-tight ones, or even Freddie’s overly enthusiastic ones), and he wants to save this feeling forever. John had thought for ages that he’d been kicked into a slump he might never find his way out of, but he’s starting to think he might actually see a light at the end of the tunnel. 

If he had his way, they would sit together like this for a lot longer (or possibly forever), but sadly all good things have to come to an end eventually and they loosen their hold on each other after a few minutes. Jay wordlessly hands John the nearest box of tissues, letting him clean himself up a bit while she takes the dirty dishes to the sink.

He wonders briefly if this is going to make things strange between them; they’ve vented and ranted to each other before, but Jay’s never seen him so low before (and neither he for her). He hopes it doesn’t; just because John isn’t entirely sure what his feelings are telling him right now doesn’t mean he wants things to change. He wants things to stay comfortable and friendly. He can sort himself out on his own; he can’t risk jeopardizing the most solid friendship he’s had with a girl in ages.

When Jay returns, John tries to give her back the fuzzy blanket but she shakes her head: “don’t feel like trying to stuff it back in my backpack tonight while I ride the bus home. You can keep it here for now if that’s alright?”

John just nods, not quite trusting his voice to not crack or sound hoarse or for him to not stammer and sound ridiculous right away. “Yeah, that’s-” he winces at how rough he sounds before clearing his throat and trying again. “That’s fine. Not like I don’t know how to find you if I need to get rid of it,” he jokes, chuckling slightly at the dramatic affronted look she gives him.

“I’ll have you know that this blanket is made out of the finest polyester!” Jay declares, puffing out her chin and chest the way Freddie does when he’s defending some of his clothing choices. “You insult me, my good man! As if I’d want to get rid of it.”

John rolls his eyes good-naturedly, inwardly pleased to see that she doesn’t seem to think that what happened tonight was odd or a bother and that clearly nothing has changed - she’s not treating him any differently. He helps her gather the few things she’s pulled out of her bag, then walks her to the front door of his flat.

Jay pulls on her shoes quietly, and when she finishes, they just stand there for a moment and look at each other, silent in the front entranceway. She finally breaks the silence, looking down awkwardly for a moment. “Uh. I left the rest of the ice cream for you, so you know. It’s in the back left corner tucked behind a box of frozen shrimp, so your flatmate won’t find it and-”

Whatever she was going to say next is cut off by John stepping forward and wrapping his arms around her again, backpack and all, and whispering “thank you” into her ear.

Jay’s stunned for a moment before her arms come up as well and she hugs him right back. “Anytime, Deaky. You’re a good friend, and I’m not about to let you suffer alone if I can help it. Anytime you feel down, just let me know, and you know I’ll be there in a moment if it’s reasonably possible.”

“I know.” John nods as he reluctantly lets her go again. “I really do appreciate it, though. More than you know.” 

“Like I said, anytime. Anything for you; you’re important to me.” Jay looks at him with a gaze John can’t quite interpret, and though he had assumed earlier that she probably wasn’t interested in a relationship with him, he’s not sure what to think now. 

A brief look at the time on the clock has Jay swearing under her breath and apologizing as she has to run if she wants to make the last bus on time. Part of John wants to just stall her for longer; make her stay here tonight with him, but he knows that he’s just being selfish now and that this wouldn’t go over well. Instead, he waves off her apologies but asks that she send him a text when she’s gotten back to confirm that she’s arrived safely, due to the later hour. Jay agrees, then practically bolts out the door, running off to try and catch her bus and John chuckles slightly at the image she makes before he goes back inside and closes the door. 

—— 

The door has barely closed after him, and John can already feel the lonely feeling come back somewhat; he’s already missing the sensation of having Jay close enough to touch and hold him close, keeping the ugly thoughts at bay. Then he remembers - the blanket! It’s not particularly cold tonight, but he heads back out to the sitting room to grab it from where they’d left it sitting on the sofa.

He takes it back to the bedroom with him, and once he’s changed into his sleep clothing, he takes the blanket and wraps it around himself as best he can, taking care of what doesn’t get covered with his other blankets. Being wrapped up in Jay’s warm fuzzy blanket makes John feel as though he’s still being held, and maybe it’s strange, a grown man seeking comfort from a blanket like this but it’s been a long day and John doesn’t care at this point and just pulls it around his shoulders more tightly.

He’s having a hard time staying awake now, a combination of emotional exhaustion, physical tiredness, and utter contentment at his sleeping arrangements, but he forces himself to stay awake until he sees the text that indicates that she’s made it home safely. 

Thankfully he’s not waiting too much longer before there’s a buzz from where his phone is sitting on the nightstand. He looks to see the text: _I made it :D_ and he smiles back, glad to see that Jay made it back. _Good_, he sends back in response. _Glad to see that :)_

_Me too :D anyway, I’m tired and I’m sure you are as well, so I’ll let you sleep. Goodnight!!_ Jay finishes this off with her usual string of purple heart emojis, but at the end, there’s a heart eyes emoji? That makes his own eyes widen for a moment right before he gets another text: _omg I’m sorry! That’s not supposed to be there!_ And while John plays it off as a joke in his response back, part of him is a little disappointed it wasn’t serious. 

No matter; she’d still spent that time with him earlier, and loaned this blanket to him… and there had been that look from earlier. The one he wasn’t entirely sure how to interpret. John wonders if maybe it means Jay feels something towards him too, but he dismisses it - that sort of thing only happens in fiction. They’re friends, and she probably wants to keep it that way. Although now, that slip with the emoji has him wondering…

The thought of that ‘what if’ and the sensation of her blanket and it’s comforting scent help him drift off to sleep, even as his brain sends him images of what things might be like if he did ask her out properly. Maybe one day…

**Author's Note:**

> I'm also @smittyjaws on Tumblr, if you want to hit up my dumpster fire of a blog!


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